i graduated this year
from highschool,
and i went to college
in washington dc,
but a lot of other more important things happened.
miley cyrus smoked salvia
wikileaks are a big deal
leslie nielsen died
hey arnold became retro
some prince got married
4lokos are starting to be banned
i wish these things didn't happen.
so i wouldn't have to change or grow older
i laid down on my bed today
i tried to remember or picture every single memory
of every single year
month
day
moment
of my life.
I attempted to do this for hours
I thought i had remembered everything
but WAIT:
there was always a missing memory
oh theres a story!
how did i forget that!
remember that one time!
in the end it was impossible to capture it all.
i have only been alive for 19 years.
and my past is infinite.
i find comfort in this.
i almost lost two people close to me.
both suicidal.
i didn't know how to react.
i tried to help them. and my trying was enough it seems.
they are still here today.
a burden i don't know if i can carry.
my counselor teddy was going to join the army.
they were doing a routine test with bulletproof vests.
he was a sniper.
the test took place in a close combat situation, one they were not prepared for as snipers.
one of his friends was shot.
this is okay because the vest protects the first shot.
but not the second.
teddy quit the army because he lost a friend.
i lost a friend in school a few years later.
i quit school then too.
at summer camp
a girl savannah had a crush on me.
she asked me to go swimming with her
I told her i had just eaten a choco taco so my stomach was upset.
she was sad, but she went to swim on her own.
the real reason why I didn't go was because i was embarrassed about my weight.
also I had a crush on the girl from archery class.
she was short and had straight brown hair.
I made eye contact with her every day without saying a word.
I guess cupid is to blame.
what is worse
getting noticed or wanting to be noticed.
i think they're both bad.
what if someone notices you because your mouth is too big
or because your eyes are lifeless like mine.
that would be unfortunate.
awkward does not describe
what i am. i am not some movie
michael cera nerd i am my own person
im slowly forgetting everything.
when was today and how long ago was yesterday?
should i live completely in the present
or hold on to you?
what if i wrote a play about you.
could you forgive me then.
or would that make things worse.
i hope you talk to me again.
im too smart to be doing math.
i think i should be a poet.
but thats silly and asinine.
i cant be that confident!
