3

i almost lost two people close to me.

both suicidal.

i didn't know how to react.

i tried to help them. and my trying was enough it seems.

they are still here today.

a burden i don't know if i can carry.

2

my counselor teddy was going to join the army.

they were doing a routine test with bulletproof vests.

he was a sniper.

the test took place in a close combat situation, one they were not prepared for as snipers.

one of his friends was shot.

this is okay because the vest protects the first shot.

but not the second.

teddy quit the army because he lost a friend.

i lost a friend in school a few years later.

i quit school then too.

A Series

at summer camp

a girl savannah had a crush on me.

she asked me to go swimming with her

I told her i had just eaten a choco taco so my stomach was upset.

she was sad, but she went to swim on her own.

the real reason why I didn't go was because i was embarrassed about my weight.

also I had a crush on the girl from archery class.

she was short and had straight brown hair.

I made eye contact with her every day without saying a word.

I guess cupid is to blame.

Positif

what is worse

getting noticed or wanting to be noticed.

i think they're both bad.

what if someone notices you because your mouth is too big

or because your eyes are lifeless like mine.

that would be unfortunate.

awkward does not describe

what i am. i am not some movie

michael cera nerd i am my own person

Used to Be

im slowly forgetting everything.

when was today and how long ago was yesterday?

should i live completely in the present

or hold on to you?

what if i wrote a play about you.

could you forgive me then.

or would that make things worse.

i hope you talk to me again.

im too smart to be doing math.

i think i should be a poet.

but thats silly and asinine.

i cant be that confident!

The Man in Me

guess im ready to start growing up.

in a weird, existential, out of body expierence today, i saw how different i am now then 10th grade me.

at first this was one of the most depressing moments of my life, but now i think that it was just a moment. and thats whats important.

and as i sit here each song brings more moments, connecting the sad, happy, and neutral memories of the past.

These Days

haha its almost all over.

im not back there any more.

I'm not passing out in front of the TV during luke wilson's attempted suicide in The Royal Tenenbaums.

I'm watching it. And realizing that's where i am.

But I'm not in love with anyone and I never have been.

Except for maybe.