I Get By

reading a lot of books about nature.

thanks to magrinat.

Relearning to play the guitar as well.

Oh wait I'm still a loser.

My Doorbell

Just wanted to say I'm the least organized person ever.

ever think about if animals know about music?

I think 64 crayons is a little too much for one box.

I'll start making my own spring rolls soon.

Incubation

wake up

drive

solve problems

act

film

fail

eat

math

make jokes

act

take a breath

act

act

act

act

act

drive

dream

eat

dream

shower

sleep

nightmare.

Push Up

I'm trying to be a big kid now.

Calming myself. taking myself away from everything.

i can only try to change my ways.

Often I get caught in patterns of thinking.

Life isn't letting that happen right now, and I'm thankful for it.

Mike Tyson is slowly becoming one of my heroes.

I wish i had the sort of.

acceptance.

of my failures as he does.

Ce jeu

so things have taken off quite quickly.
school, job, parties, plays.



I can't help but take a step back and see if I'm dooming myself by my choices.
Like everything will crash.
just fall.




I don't know if I'm being cautious or paranoid.

Angels

I start work at Elmos this saturday.

I guess im accomplishing something.

Starting to feel safe.

I'm in a groove. A slow shallow groove.

I like most things now.

But some things still are missing.

and I'm okay with that for now.

Jorge Regula

My face hurts.

That and other things make me think I'm too sensitive.

I thought that was a good thing.

guess not.

I cleaned a lot today.

And went to an asian grocery store.

My life is extremely boring.

It's my responsibility to change that.

But I could use some help.

Or motivation. i know a person who lacked that.

ouch.

Humor

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...

matrimony

senior year.

fresh start I guess.

That was a stupid summer.

thanks.

Disappointment more than sadness.

Frustration more than anger.

I guess I'll get a job.

eppur si muove!

Life is mediocre currently

and yet it moves!

I would say my summer has been ironic!

but i don't have that the wit or understanding for such a statement

I want to be sweet and nice and loving!

but i haven't the opportunity

I would ask you to give me the chance!

but i haven't the courage

But I promise I can find it

don't give up on me!

Think About It

A social psychologist spoke at governor's school some weeks ago.

He said a relationship doesn't begin without conflict.

And the relationship forms when that conflict is resolved.

All progression in relationships are because of conflict resolution

I hope this one fully resolves.

Our play at governor's school was all about time.

How it controls all and how we can't truly define what it is.

I wish I could change time now.

Mind Sex

want to watch Ratatouille.

I'm tired.

I dont drink vanilla extract to get drunk like other kids do.

I like talking on the phone now.

At least to T-Paine.

I'm pretty happy.

Baby

I lied.

I think I'm more insecure.

Or just worried.

I don't know why I feel this way.

Everything is better than normal.

I guess I'm a baby.

I'll grow up one of these days.

But it makes me a human.

I know I'll be fine.

That night

I was trying to forget the past, and my heart was beating hard, as you said.
You said you didn't know what "beating hard" even meant.
I guess I wasn't controlling it.
And I couldn't.

Everything was simple.
I don't feel so insecure.
We never cried or shivered or laughed or thought.
We were just there for however long it was.

I could have looked in your eyes.
But you had yours set on my heart.
If this is our start, then I think I'll be fine.

The New Love Song

I take too many naps.



Is it okay to feel brave and afraid at the same time?


I'm learning to move differently.
With my blood, or organs, or bones.
I landed on my neck yesterday during theatre. That hurt more than I thought.
I'll be okay.





When can we see each other?

Better Together

The library closes at 5.
I am the last one here.



The counselors here think I'm wacky.
I know why.



These past days I've felt I should be at home.
For reasons not my own.
I hope I'm not putting too much on myself.
But I care.

Kitchen

I go by Gucci here at GSE.
I think it's funny.


My room is pretty simple
I have 4 action figures and my ukulele.
My roommate has a pair of bongos.




I realized that no matter what, this summer I would've worried about a girl.
Either one here at GSE or one back at home.
T-Paine lets me not worry.
I'm happy.

Who Loves The Sun

I am going to governor's school tomorrow.

My schedule is depressing compared to yours.

Last night was a good night.

For once I can't quite explain how I feel.

But I am happy.

I think I'll have fun.

But it'll be hard at times.

I have to stay optimistic.

Wave of Mutilation

I've had a good week.

My sleep pattern has been terrible.

I got a cavity.

I'm disappointed in myself.

I'd never thought I'd see this all happening.

I might wear a flannel shirt, despite the heat.

The Trees

Last night, I mostly remember;

Fighting Broso.

Thinking it was christmas.

Reciting this.

Cursing.

Being sneaky.

Everyone thinks I'm a funny partier.

I can't help but agree.

Turn My Brain Off

Yesterday was nice.

Weekly Banh's with Le Whif and T-Pain.

We sat in a field after, that was nice, with locopops.

I called my GSE roommate when I was with them.

It was funny and they were laughing and he was cool.

I was with Nick and Chas afterwards, we did our usual stream of events.

Watched the Juggernaut video, played videogames, and held each other; what.

Kind of ready for summer, but at the same time I'm enjoying most things now.

This week has been stressful though.

I think I'm grinding my teeth more when I sleep.

Bella Notte

My mind's scattered.

I don't know if I'm overwhelmed or just confused.

I feel like I'm missing a lot of opportunities.

I can't keep up.

I think I'm worrying about things that aren't even there.

But I would like them to be.

The Hustle

I have bruise on my forehead.

It's from playing soccer, which I don't really play.

But I wanted to be with people on saturday so I did.

I don't have confidence, or maybe I don't know what it really is.

I'm ready for governor's school.

I'm ready for some-thing/one new.

I'm not ready for rejection.

Soulkid

My mind has been wandering. 

It's been a long week.

I went out to my backyard today because I was content.

I was listening to rap music, a nice song about broken hearts.

I saw a bird's nest on the ground, then I saw the broken robin eggs.

I don't think I have to explain the sadness I felt.

Ooh La La

Today wasn't typical.

I was energized in the morning, and, for lack of a better word, depressed at the end.

I thought I was content socially, but I had a little scene with two of my friends today.

It was about something stupid and was entirely my fault.

I don't know any more.

Today at lunch I was talking to Jillian, and I finally realized I too wanted to leave Durham and travel.

I never understood why she felt the need too, but now it's as if I've always had the dream of leaving.

I don't think it's because of school ending. I think I'm finally done with everything.

Back on the first subject of friends.

I don't understand girls or myself; this is not a good a combination.

Nothing

MC Chris tonight.

I should probably stop listening to music and go to school.

I really don't care any more.

I'm going to be late.

I'll be fine.

edit:

I was late, about 20 minutes late.

I rode my bike to school at the normal pace, stopping every once and awhile to enjoy the path I ride on everyday.

 It's quite green and I see rabbits and smell honey suckles.

My absence was excused by the lady at the office.

I didn't have to tell her anything, she knew.

Round Two

Broke my glasses yesterday.

I'm wearing these old ones of my dad's for the moment.

They're large and almost circular.

I'm not used to it, but I'm supposed to get new ones soon.

I don't want Buddy Holly glasses, that's a little too hipster for me.

Terrible test today.

I was late, got lost, then did not do well from what I can tell.

Music  Theory.

I'm thinking of submitting a misadministration form to the collegeboard.

That'll teach em.

Old friends are coming back into town. 

I'm excited, but kind of worried.

It's for a reason I can't explain, I'm just unsure of who my friends are.

I want to hang out with people whom I never have before.

But I'd be awkward and weird if I asked them, even though it's innocent.

Sunday

I have cliche workout clothes on now.

Tube socks, short shorts, a small white t-shirt and adidas. 

I was practicing basketball in my backyard.

I don't have an official hoop, but I make do with a bucket.

About halfway I decided to pretend fight with my walking stick.

Some day I'll be a Battle Mage.

I need to find a LARPing club.

I need a new hobby.

A guy came up to my front door asking if I wanted him to cut my lawn, I was embarrassed from my attire, but he was nice, and I was nice.

Today was nice in a weird way.

Bicycle

I finally got around to fixing my bike.

I'm not as out of shape as I thought.

I've put on weight which is good, I was a skinny galee this time last year.

I've made a vow to become a Street Fighter.

I'm starting to enjoy people's company more and more.

I finally feel normally awkward.

I'll try and keep it that way.

The Ups and Downs

Indecision in my life.

Don't quite know what to do about some things; other things are as clear as day.

Sometimes I feel really geeky and it makes me embarrassed.

I make peanutbutter sandwiches and eat them while playing videogames.

I'm less likely introduce myself as a videogamer to people now.

I asked Tyler what kind of person he would rather be friends with: a "pussy" or a "douche".

He said "douche".

I don't know.

I need to find a way to restart and take control.

Tricycles and Kittens

Starting to get headaches again.

Don't know if it's the shots I've gotten, pollen, or my eyes.

I don't know if I'm irresponsible or just laid back.

I would be assertive if I had something to work for.

Like you.

I drew a picture of myself smiling and I sometimes stare at it.

Muscles

A lot going on now.

I decided to enjoy my saturday by doing yard work.

Usually I would avoid that at all costs, but it was nice out, so I decided to work with my hands I guess.

I don't know where I fit in anymore.

I feel like I'm floating around, but I don't mind it.

A french Canadian told me to travel the world last night.

He explained to me how wonderful it was for him, and that I should do it.

I think I might.

I'm falling away from society as a whole.

I think that might be a good solution for me.

A Continuation of Sorts

I wrote some rhymes about someone in my head right before I fell asleep.
They were so nice I decided to write them down in my moleskin.
(I haven't written in my moleskin in quite awhile)


I was going to post said rhymes, but they're pretty embarrassing.
They're not like, acoustic style rhymes, they're kinda in the style of rap, but I have a hard time talking normally as it is, so I would never be able to rap them coherently.




Maybe I'll post them later, I have to gain confidence before I do.

The Music

Rap and I have an awkward relationship.

It's hard for us to balance our lives with each other's.

Sometimes what I want in rap isn't what I get.

And it hurts.

Most popular rappers now-a-day pull in suburban kids with lyrics that are silly and contrived.

I don't like a whole lot of that.

G-Clef is one my favorite rappers.

Mainly because his lyrics are real and subtle.

I wish Goin' to the Desert was on youtube, or any kind of online hosting source so I could possibly share what kind of rap I like to the world.

On the other side of the musical spectrum, I've been listening to my vinyl records of Bach, Beethoven, and Tchaikovsky.

Most of my Bach records are warped, so I can only listen to 2 of them.

At least the Brandenburg Concerto is on one of the two.

Solar Shield

I wear sunglasses 80% of the day.

80% of the time that I'm awake.

Of course.

My sunglasses are huge. Not joke-style huge. 

Just large.

They've been called many things, 'grandma glasses', 'cataract glasses', 'stunna shades', etc.

Well I don't do xtc, I don't have glossy failing eyes, and I don't know the pleasures of having grandchildren.

I wear them for the sense of dominance they give me.

Social dominance.

In all reality, I'm a harbored and quiet guy.

However, if I'm in an environment that I feel comfortable, in control of, I talk, joke, sing, all the time. 

Well my sunglasses broke yesterday.

I can already tell I'm compensating for their loss.

Saying silly things or flinching. 

Maybe this entire entry is a silly thing.

Flans

School is better.

But I don't care too much about it.

I'm tired a lot. I feel like shutting off for a day or so, but I feel I've gotten too tied up with.

Well, friends.

It's weird being confident that I have friends.

I haven't been this way since I was a small child.

Maybe I'm still lying to myself.

The State of Things

My toothpicks are running thin.
My bicycle tires are flattening.
My iPod screen scratches are increasing.


I can't really remember the last time I've been consistently "okay" for an entire day.
Though these past weeks have been getting better.
I've focused more on self-improvement than on trying to understand things.
By doing this I've started to understand myself, inadvertently.
Things are making sense.

Aw Dude.

Yesterday was an adventure.

That's a pretty lame and easy way to say it, but it was a long ass night.

Banhs to start off the day-

No I'm not going to write down my entire saturday.

I just felt important because I hanged out with hoodrats and they let me be the guy who holds the weed till it was needed.

In a somewhat unrelated topic.

I wish people didn't lie to me.

Or at least admit they did afterward.

It would just be nice.

I didn't feel well yesterday, and today just feels weird.

I wonder how cool I would be if I wasn't lazy.

I'm okay.

My prayers have been answered and now I am mostly unaffected by any emotional event.

My mother admitted her drug problem to me in my sister's room.

My sister got in a skiing accident, breaking 3 vertebrae and a few ribs.

My father is driving himself crazy.

I didn't feel much from any of these things.

I wouldn't think that I would regret my wish to be a rock lobster, but I do.

I couldn't deal with emotion during that time.

I can't imagine my current situation when people ask me how I am.